Hidden Away

Husband and I would be six months pregnant right now if we had not lost our pregnancy. This has been a very hard year for us, one major disappointment after another, so we decided to spend the holidays alone, away from family and the typical obligations. This has been the best Christmas ever. We're at the beach, there is no one around except the locals and we are enjoying our time. Husband feels a little guilty that he missed the holiday with his family, which I understand. He is very close with his family and only spent one holiday away from them.While he felt as overwhelmed, frustrated and heartbroken as I did this year, he would not have hidden away during the holidays as we have if were not for me. I needed it and have been grateful he agreed.

Yesterday we took our pooch down to the beach itself-it was a gorgeous day, sunny and clear with little wind. Just as we got past the dunes and onto the sand I said to him "We would be six months pregnant right now." He grabbed my hand and said "I think about that all the time."

That is a very heavy statement. It's heavy because you never expect a man to think about it all as much as you do, you tend to forget at you are the one taking pills, injections, peeing on sticks every morning, that he has lost as much as you have.

Keeping Time

When we were kids we kept time on based on our school schedule. Time was more about months than actual hours, September was the beginning of school, full of promise and excitement (if you were a nerd like me), December was Christmas break, March was spring break, then June brought that blessed three month respite from the classroom. You graduate from high school and go on to college and things are similar, but there is more of an emphasis on the breaks between quarters or semesters. You finish school and start working, time becomes attached to your 8-5 M-F week. There are no more big breaks, no more study weeks before finals, no more attending classes in barely passable lounge wear. Then you start to try to conceive and time changes. It is marked by specific days, created by scientists and doctors, who have not one bit of empathy or concern for you and your eggs.

So here were are. I'm 35 years old. No baby. 20 people I personally know have given birth in the last year or will give it next year. I remain the ONLY childless woman in a 1,500 mile radius.

Here is how I now keep time:

Day 1-miserable day when my period starts
Day 5- start taking Clomid
Day 10,11 or 12- follicle scan to see which of my ovaries will drop an egg. If it's the right, we don't try since it's blocked after the ectopic during our first, and only, pregnancy.
Day 13, 14- positive OPK test
Day 15,16- IUI
Day 27-spotting if I'll start my period
Day 29-full on period if we're not pregnant

Today is day 29. Yep, my period came, as usual. Have you ever thought you have cried all the tears your body could possibly make? It's amazing how tears are never ending.

My husband finally agreed that we won't spend time with family this year during Christmas. Thanksgiving was miserable enough. We are sick of everyone else's babies. Even those we love, we're just tired of them. This is such a painful, demeaning and cruel process, and the holiday is stressful enough, we just need to hide away. Months ago I tried to talk him into traveling somewhere for the holiday because I knew we wouldn't be pregnant. Being pregnant is the only thing that would make the holiday bearable, so obviously, we wouldn't be allowed that. But he hates to fly and refused. At least if we had planned a fabulous vacation no one would ask why we aren't hanging out with our exhausting and unsympathetic families.

Even better is that if, if, we do another fucking IUI this month, it will likely fall on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I always get a positive OPK test on Friday or Saturday which means the IUI is the following day. Who doesn't want to spend their Christmas full of false hope at the stupid hospital, knees up while a nurse inserts a plastic tube carrying the precious and amazing sperm from your spouse? Happy fucking Christmas everybody.

This has officially been one of the worst years of our lives. I joked months ago that if we actually made it through this very painful year, we should have a party themed "We Survived The Shitstorm that was 2011." Then we realized that our guest list would consist of new parents and family. Everyone would have to leave by 7pm to put their babies to bed. Fuck me.

Today I lamented that there is no here I can call and say "let's meet for a drink." No girlfriend I can rely on to meet me at a fancy new bar or a crappy dive bar and just relax and talk some shit.

My mom told me her thirties were her best years. Great. If this decade is any marker for the rest of my life, I am seriously screwed.

Lucky Bitch

“Lucky bitch, you stupid cunt” is what I would like to write on Brat's wife's shower card. Drunk and angry, I'm wrapping a gift for her fucking shower. Three weeks after we found out our pregnancy was just an ectopic pregnancy. Just three weeks after our first shots to dissolve the very life we have been praying and working for for over a year. No card, no email, no text message to ask how we are, how I am. No sign of recognition for our loss, just a pathetic look when we accidentally ran into them. That’s the best you can do?

I’m always angry or always hurt. The pain is just below my skin. Runs below the bruises from all the IV attempts, from the blood draws every few days, just below this thin skin is a woman who is constantly on the verge of losing sanity. A pain that cuts with a breath, the sight of a beautiful baby in the arms of a happy new mother, a pregnant woman crossing the street, a young couple looking at car seats at Target. We had two weeks of that. Two measly weeks of the joy that cannot be described in words here. Husband was a father for two entire weeks, kissing my belly each day, planning changes to the house, discussing nursery themes. Then it was stolen.

What do you know about that? Why would you care about someone like me? You get all you want, even at the expense of the people who care for you. You are selfish and self-centered and unable to love. Fuck you and the fact that your stupid reproductive organs function as they should. You don’t deserve this blessing and I wish I could tell you this to your face. Your very existence is an insult to those of us who actually give a shit about others, who LOVE others, feel their pain, pray for their joy and feel grateful for their love and friendship. These are all things you’ve never experienced. You fucking cunt.

Here is your shower gift, which you don’t really care about. There is nothing within you that is grateful for what you receive, nor appreciates the sacrifice some may make in order to buy you a gift. You are spoiled, self-interested and cold. What does he see in you? Congratulations on your new accessory, because that is what this baby is. Just like your big house, your expensive car, your jewelry. You don’t deserve your little girl and I know it and hate you.

Had to go to the lab this morning to have a follow up blood test to Monday's strange results. I have had major PMS symptoms this week: sore breasts, irritability, quick to tears. This morning while I waited for the phlebotomist to finish with the woman ahead of me, I had to listen to them discuss pregnancy and babies. Tears welled up, I had to talk myself into staying calm and not dissolving into sobs. When he finally got to me, he was abrupt and I knew right away he would be rough. Sure enough, it was a painful prick and bled after for quite awhile. As soon as I got to the car I started hyperventilating and crying. It's just so painful to hear others talk about their pregnancy. It's ridiculous for me to feel this way.

Now I'm waiting at the dentist. Great day!

Chemical Pregnancy

Today I called the fertility nurse to report a negative pregnancy test, but no real period. Just spotting since Thursday. She wanted me to come in for a blood serum test because it's possible I am pregnant with spotting, especially since I had tender breasts. I left work mid-morning to have my blood drawn, hoping, hoping, hoping that I was really pregnant and that the blood test would finally be accurate. Wrong.

I waited until 4:00 to call her to find out the results, got the voice mail. She called back after 5:00 to explain my number was "strange." Anything below a 5 is a negative test result. A positive one is 25+. My number was 17. The nurse explained that they would expect to see a number in the hundreds if I was pregnant at this point. That "strange" number 17 may indicate a chemical pregnancy which is when the egg gets fertilized, starts dividing and triggers all the pregnancy chemicals in your body to increase, but then stops dividing. It could mean that we were pregnant, but it failed. Because of the strange number, I have to be tested again on Wednesday, and as a result, I can't start the Clomid tonight. Now I realize that I forgot to ask her if that means no IUI this month or just no Clomid.

There is nothing wrong with either of us. We should be able to conceive. Knowing we were possibly pregnant does not make me feel better about the fact that we are not pregnant now.

Brat's wife's baby shower is in August and I really needed to be pregnant by then. I needed it for me, so I could know we were going to have a baby, so when those nosey old ladies asked "when are you going to start a family" I could just smile and shrug, knowing I already had. It's not that I need to tell anyone, I just need to know it's happening for me, my peace of mind.

Husband just called after looking at some cars. He made the mistake of explaining that the one he really likes is similar in size to the one Brat and Wife have. I flipped out, "I don't want ANYTHING like what they have! I hate them!"

Seriously, grow up!

Of Course Not

Day 28, still barely spotting, negative pregnancy test. I'm furious with God. Another way to shit on Husband and I. I've already made my angry, self-pity fury exclamations about poor people procreating and everyone I know here is able to have babies but us, so I won't make them again even though I'm drowning in them. My first glass of wine in two weeks, I'm tempted to take vodka shots. Prayer doesn't work, even my friends who knew about this who said they would pray for us- it didn't work. My one friend who claimed God speaks to her- told her she was pregnant immediately after the act- even her prayers didn't work for us.

I will have to start taking Clomid again Monday. Another wasted $20 and five days. Still haven't received the bill from the first IUI, so who knows how much that will cost. Right now I feel it's not worth it. If they haven't found anything wrong with us, and we did an IUI, how can we not be pregnant? Why are Husband and I literally prevented from having the things in life we want most (aside from one another): our careers have been a wash, baby making a failure, even our car search has not worked out.

Another month of this bullshit. I have zero hope and feel no reason to try and believe it will ever happen. I hate you fucking bitches who end up pregnant: "It was a surprise" or "We didn't try long." Fuck you.

Spotting

We had our first IUI on Sunday, June 12th, the morning of our godson's baptism. We felt good about it, I haven't been drinking, I've continued my prenatal vitamins, have been exercising, etc. We followed up the IUI with regular ol' intercourse and have felt very hopeful. Until last night.


Took a pregnancy test yesterday morning, it was negative. Fine, it was only day 27, still early. The app on my iPhone was telling me I'd start my period on day 27 but it has often been off a few days. All day at work yesterday it felt as though I was going to start any moment, and sure enough right before bed last night, spotting.

I started crying, but kept telling myself  "it could just be spotting." Husband wanted to hold me, but it was easier for me not to cry if I didn't make eye contact and kept my distance. He was crushed, but acted strong for me. This morning he ate his breakfast out in the garden and was very quiet. Told me that he doesn't want to hear me say "But it could just be spotting." He's done feeling hopeful for this cycle.

We were sure it would happen this month. The fact that the IUI was on our godson's baptism day, and it was his parents who introduced Husband and I so it had to mean something, right? I even went up during mass to receive a blessing, I have been saying my prayer to St. Jirard:
"O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen."

What else could I have done? My body hasn't been telling me anything-I'm not feeling different, no indication yet if I am pregnant. It's strange to me that even in the face of negative pregnancy tests, I haven't freaked out, as I normally would, so I believed that was my mind's way of telling me that I was pregnant. Don't freak out because you are, it just isn't showing up yet.

Each time I use the restroom today I'm checking and praying there is only a little blood. Please, God, let this just be implantation spotting, please let me pregnant. This is the right time, please don't make us go through this another month. Please let me give Husband a child of his own. Please allow me this natural and rightful process as a woman to conceive, grow and give birth to our baby. Please don't make me an outcast from all these women around me who have conceived already and share in something that I yet cannot. Please do not add this to my list of miseries, resentments and insecurities. Please let us be pregnant now and have a healthy baby of our own. Please.