Saturday, August 6, 2011

Lucky Bitch

“Lucky bitch, you stupid cunt” is what I would like to write on Brat's wife's shower card. Drunk and angry, I'm wrapping a gift for her fucking shower. Three weeks after we found out our pregnancy was just an ectopic pregnancy. Just three weeks after our first shots to dissolve the very life we have been praying and working for for over a year. No card, no email, no text message to ask how we are, how I am. No sign of recognition for our loss, just a pathetic look when we accidentally ran into them. That’s the best you can do?

I’m always angry or always hurt. The pain is just below my skin. Runs below the bruises from all the IV attempts, from the blood draws every few days, just below this thin skin is a woman who is constantly on the verge of losing sanity. A pain that cuts with a breath, the sight of a beautiful baby in the arms of a happy new mother, a pregnant woman crossing the street, a young couple looking at car seats at Target. We had two weeks of that. Two measly weeks of the joy that cannot be described in words here. Husband was a father for two entire weeks, kissing my belly each day, planning changes to the house, discussing nursery themes. Then it was stolen.

What do you know about that? Why would you care about someone like me? You get all you want, even at the expense of the people who care for you. You are selfish and self-centered and unable to love. Fuck you and the fact that your stupid reproductive organs function as they should. You don’t deserve this blessing and I wish I could tell you this to your face. Your very existence is an insult to those of us who actually give a shit about others, who LOVE others, feel their pain, pray for their joy and feel grateful for their love and friendship. These are all things you’ve never experienced. You fucking cunt.

Here is your shower gift, which you don’t really care about. There is nothing within you that is grateful for what you receive, nor appreciates the sacrifice some may make in order to buy you a gift. You are spoiled, self-interested and cold. What does he see in you? Congratulations on your new accessory, because that is what this baby is. Just like your big house, your expensive car, your jewelry. You don’t deserve your little girl and I know it and hate you.