Saturday, July 28, 2012

Are You Fucking Kidding?!

Unbelievable. I waited as long as I could. Day 32, 2:00 p.m., I went out to buy pregnancy tests because I still had not started my period. Right when I sat down to take the test, my period started. Now Husband is angry with me for taking a test when he wanted me to wait-we both know my period would come, we knew I wasn't pregnant, wanted to postpone the pain. But I figured that I had spent all morning and afternoon cleaning and running around being very active and it hadn't started, so taking a test was logical.

I'm not crushed that it's negative, I am furious. Furious I was able to wait this fucking long before giving into that excitement and taking a damn test. Furious that my body strung me along for days when all along it had no intention of being pregnant. Furious that we can't have what we want most. Furious we don't have enough money to feel comfortable doing private pay IUI or IVF. Furious, again, at everyone else around us who children, whether they are good parents or not. In my heart I knew I wasn't pregnant, but c'mon, why did I have to wait so long to find out for sure?

What does this mean? The right ovary ovulated instead of the left where there is a tube intact or we didn't have enough sex because husband was camping that weekend and we missed a day of possible fertility, that there is some other problem that was masked by the blocked tube, or simply that we will never get pregnant for no known reason. Makes me want to give up. Makes me want to walk away from everything and just go be alone and not think about trying anymore-just being a woman outside of this fertility madness cycle. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Friday, July 27, 2012

Symptom Obsession

Here we are on day 31 of my cycle, no period yet. Been trying to be patient all week, not expecting anything, trying not to get my hopes up that we just may be pregnant this time. But who am I kidding, I've been obsessing all week! Right now I'm sitting at work and am bored so I pull out my calendar and go through it to see how long my cycles have been and if the start dates have correlated to when I ovulated. This month I ovulated a little later than normal, so I was curious if that's why I hadn't started yet. As I flip through my calendar, marked with "Positive OPK," "I" (intercourse), "IUI," and "Negative Pregnancy Test," I notice that the date of ovulation did not appear to impact the date my period started. Very good. Then comes April 2012, and there it is, a day 32 start. It felt like a jolt of electricity shot through my head. Written in pencil is "period started in the evening. No spotting." This empirical data was building me up, making me believe that if I did not find such a late start date in my records, then this would certainly mean I was pregnant.

This week I had some very light spotting that began on Tuesday and has continued at that level all week. It is way less than what I had when we were pregnant with the ectopic. This has continued to give me hope, while I tried not to hope. It's useless trying to not get my hopes up-everything is a sign that I am, yet at the same time, a sign that I'm not. This time I have little breast tenderness, little spotting, my attitude and mood is as bad as it usually is, but I've been dizzy in the evenings, not interested in drinking wine. All of these things I have experienced before and I know better than to believe them as symptoms of pregnancy, but I want to believe they all mean something.

I track every symptom and I'm beginning to think that is a bad idea. It causes me to over think every little thing and I'm wearing out the binding in my calendar, constantly opening it and flipping through the pages, desperately trying to find some kind of evidence that would prove I am pregnant. It's crazy!

Husband and I have already decided to wait to take a pregnancy test until either tonight or tomorrow morning. A negative test is so heart breaking we just want to put it off as long as possible. In the mean time, it's still possible my period will start. It's also possible that I'm not pregnant, just didn't have a period. My body is so mean to me!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

After a Long Hiatus

It's been quite awhile since I last wrote, and not much has happened. The major event was having my right fallopian tube removed via laparoscopic surgery. Surgery went well, recovery was quick and I was able to see photos of the damaged tube. It was attached to the inside wall of my abdomen and had spots on-spots which the surgeon suggested were scar tissue from an appendectomy I had when I was a little girl. With the tube removed, Husband and I decided to give ourselves three months of trying to conceive on our own. If we are still unsuccessful after that time, we will return to the out-of-pocket fertility clinic for further treatment.

In the weeks following the surgery I felt quite relaxed, hopeful, empty of the jealousy and anger I had been feeling for the past few years. I felt so much relief, that I was able to let go of the absolute hatred focused at Brat & Wife, especially as they sent my flowers following my surgery. This was especially remarkable considering the utter miserable holiday weekend Husband and I spent with his family over Memorial Day. So much happened that weekend that I don't even want to recap it. I will say that even our cousins were bothered by what was said and certain behaviors exhibited by Brat & Wife and Husband's parents.

Sadly, this break from misery was short lived. As more time passes since the surgery, I have felt the anger and resentment return. The more time that goes on, the more Facebook posts about other peoples babies (announcements of how smart, funny, cute they are), pregnancies, etc., the more hopeless and frustrated I get.

We had yet another horrible weekend with the family over the 4th of July. This time, it was so bad our cousins left the vacation house early to get away. Still, Husband and I are too fearful of causing a fight to say anything. So I retreat to our room and cry or take the dog for a walk alone to get away. It's just more of the same-constant discussion about Precious, other people's pregnancies, names for a second baby, on and on and on. Is there nothing else that family can discuss? Every conversation is changed to be about Precious and I'm not exaggerating.

Things continue to be tenuous with Brat & Wife, but MIL is trying to connect with me again and I'm very glad. We have been chatting more and there is some ease in our interactions now. Even as she does and says things that bother me when Precious is around, the rest of the time, she is normal. I have been trying to meet her efforts as I don't want to lose a close relationship with her again.

As our struggles persist, Husband and I continue to work on forgiveness and trying not to take everything so personally. Logically we know that what is done and said is not done with any malice or intent to hurt us, but emotionally, it is so difficult to not react. We are trying, I guess that's all we can do.

This week will tell us if we've another failed attempt at conceiving. This is my second cycle since the surgery and our first attempt at conceiving. I was still recovering during ovulation last month, so we couldn't try then. We are both somewhere in between hopeful and cynical, optimistic and realistic.