Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Just a Tuesday

Today is one of those rare days where I'm in a good mood. Positive OPK this morning, the boss is out of the office and I'm productive at work. That stupid digital smiley face on the OPK gives me such hope, even after all this time.

Managed to get through Mother's Day. I just stayed inside drinking wine, reading and watched the final two episodes of The Voice-I'm so sad it's over! That show is pure entertainment and I get emotional when the performances are really good. Of course, I am emotional all of the time, but especially, during really great songs.
Luckily the day passed without too much emotion, except I started reading a book Husband recently purchased, "Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road" by Neil Peart. It is the story of how he lost both his daughter and his wife within a year which led him to take a long motorcycle trip in an attempt to deal with all the pain. Husband is further into the book than I am, but in just the first three pages I was bawling. For me, reading about grief written from a man's perspective is even more heart breaking because they (typically) rarely discuss emotions. While the book is not related to infertility, it is all about loss and I'm so glad Husband found something that includes his biggest passion, motorcycles, with an emotional element. A sort of self-help book in the sense that it is a man discussing his pain, giving Husband someone to relate to.

Days like this make me feel as though everything really will be okay. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to being angry and bitter. Maybe I'm bipolar.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Weapons of Mass Emotion

Pregnant bellies instantly bring tears to my eyes. Coming out of the restroom at work just now this cute, younger woman who is quite pregnant was walking directly toward me on her way in. Her belly sticks out a bit like a torpedo and it feels as though there is a direct connection to my emotions. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes. It happens everytime and it makes me disgusted with myself. I often see her in the restroom-either she is is behind me in line, or behind me waiting while I am washing my hands, etc. There are probably three hundred people who work on my floor and two sets of restrooms, but it appears that all of the pregnant women and new moms who are pumping are on my side of the floor so I cannot escape them. These sightings leave me feeling one of two ways: absolute hatred for the lucky woman or utter saddness for Husband and I. It still amazes me how present my grief is and how deeply effected we are by our loss last year.

As Mother's Day approaches I feel increasingly more emotional. We got lucky however, and won't be celebrating it with our mothers this year. Husband's mother is upset that her Precious will be in Hawaii with Brat and Wife so we won't be doing anything with them. Of course, that means I will miss the chance to spend time with MIL without Precious, Brat and Wife. Then my mom told me "I don't think about it now that Grandma is gone." So at least Husband and I will get a bit of a break and the day is free for us to enjoy as we see fit, which will likely be a little bit of yard work followed by entirely too much eating and drinking.

Also, as the month progresses we are getting closer to surgery to have the hydrosalpinx removed. Initially, I wasn't worried, but the closer it gets, the more concerned I am about them messing up. I fear they will take out the wrong tube or cause damage so that we can't even do an IUI but will have to do IVF. We are both hoping that we conceive this month, a viable pregnancy, not an ectopic, and will not have to have the surgery. Of course, we wouldn't know if it's ectopic by the date of the surgery which is equally nerve-wracking. After surgery I have to wait to have a period, then we can do an IUI. We can only do that if the left side is ovulating, which as the first quarter of this year has shown, could be once every three months. I hate this never ending cycle of hurry-up and wait, wait, wait, wait....

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mother's Day

While I was searching on ETSY today to find something, anything, to give my MIL and mom for Mother's Day, it ocurred to me that this would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother. This would have been the first Mother's Day in years where I wasn't emotional, disappointed, heart broken. Instead, no matter what I do, it's going to be the worst one.

Logically I know I need to stop doing this. I need to stop thinking if our pregnancy had been viable things would be so different, I need to stop thinking this day or event would be my first as a mother, Husband's first as a father, but I can't. There has been a voice in my head over the last few days that has been reminding that there was a heart beat and in a flash I'm back in the hospital, listening to the doctor tell us about the heart beat and the size of the embryo. It was real just for one moment-our little baby.

Last year I gave cards to my girlfriends on their first Mother's Day, am I supposed to do the same for Brat's wife this year? I don't want to. The thought of standing in the card section at Target having to buy her a card makes me angry and sick. Honestly, like Christmas, I'd rather avoid this holiday all together. MIL was not a great mother this year, neither was mine, and frankly I am tired of celebrating everyone else's children. However, I fear that if Husband and I don't give cards to Brat and Wife on their respective parent holidays, they will feel slighted or feel we are being jerks, even though they would never reciprocate anyway. I just don't want to hear about it again like we did over New Year's after skipping Christmas with them, "But it's the baby's first Christmas! How could you miss it?!" and the phrase I'll never forget, "you just have to let it go."

Yes, I am still holding on to negativity from the past, and despite attempting to not let all these negative thoughts crowd my brain, they sneak in. I'm trying to not give them room, to not allow them to breathe and grow because it would only send me down a spiral I'm not sure I could recover from at this point. So I continue to try to block out the thoughts, the hatred and anger and pretend everything is fine. That is what THEY all want from us because it makes it easier on THEM. Maybe that will be my Mother's Day gift to everyone this year.