Saturday, December 31, 2011

Just Be Patient

"Just be patient and give it over to God" is what my MIL said to me yesterday. We were talking and she asked me about a recent doctor's appointment. I tried to explain the process we go through each month and how ovaries don't necessarily alternate months and that I have a scan each month to see which ovary will be productive, etc. This led to a more in-depth discussion of how hard this has been. She told me she can see how it weighs on Husband, and it clearly makes us sad, but that we, meaning me, should not "shut them out."This was her way of telling me she is hurt about us not being there for Christmas. Then she tells me I have to be patient and give it over to God. I asked her, what do you do when you feel betrayed by God? "Just pray."At this point, I'm feeling justified not discussing it with her. This is not helpful advice, she can't relate and though she validated my feelings by acknowledging the ectopic was a real loss, she can't really comfort me. No one can. She said she knows it will all be alright and work out. If we want to go another route, another clinic, etc.

So I'm sitting there on the couch crying and Wife is in her room nearby, so I know she can hear us talking, but when she comes out of her room she doesn't say a word. Doesn't ask why I'm crying or if I'm okay, etc. I know, it sounds like I need to be the center of attention, but that's not what I want. It's strange to me that a woman, who is supposed to have intuition and empathy, never notices anything.

After the conversation with the MIL I decided to let it go. I'm not going to be angry at Brat and Wife for having a baby, for not being really warm or loving to her, for having pawned their dog off to grandparents as soon as they had the baby (which I assume they will do with their baby when they have a second one) for her feeding the baby in bed and sleeping with the baby while Brat has to sleep on the couch, for the baby being the ONLY thing they talk about and that anyone focuses on etc. I did feel lighter after the discussion, despite feeling irritated. The rest of the day went well.

This morning I'm feeling agitated. Wife can't eat dairy because it upsets the baby's stomach, which is common. But she really freaks out about EVERYTHING, things with powdered milk or butter. "Oh, I can't eat that" and "That's not okay to eat" so everyone notices. It's annoying. Then I was stupid and acted like a brat. We just ended breakfast and someone made a cocktail and said "Hey, we gotta celebrate the last day of the year." The conversation led to me once again, putting my self-pity foot in my mouth. FIL said "you gotta have bad years to have good years" and I made a stupid comment "not everyone has bad years."  Then of course he goes on and on about how it's just perspective, blah blah blah. I felt embarrassed that I said that and showed my ass. I know everyone has hard times, but sometimes I get petty and feeling sorry for myself and I say stupid things. It felt like FIL got annoyed with me and that makes me feel awful.

As I write this, Wife and Auntie are sitting near me with the baby telling stories over and over and over again about birth, labor, etc. I have to just let it go.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The End of a Blissful Week, Part 2

A little more about the end of our blissful week:
Today Husband's parents came, which is great. I love my in-laws and was looking forward to hanging out and partying with them. But of course, Brat and Wife were only a few hours behind. We assumed they wouldn't be here until tomorrow, but sure enough, they roll in, baby fussing and the car all full of bags and the miscellaneous shit people now a days think they need for their baby. Not that either of them actually carried anything up from the garage-no Husband and his mom brought everything up. Brat was too busy on the phone to do anything.

It's just difficult to be near them. Period. But I try and I fake it and I listen to Brat's wife while she talks about, again, everyone they know is having their second child. Their friends, are not our friends, I don't give a shit about who is having babies. I look her straight in the eye and she still has no recognition about what she is doing. Then she talks to me about some of the kids she has worked for whose families have let them die or have to make the decision (she is a pediatric home health nurse). I'm looking her in the eyes, staring, a terrible expression on my face and she still doesn't shut up. "How do you make that decisions, to let your child die?"  She went on and on about it. I finally get up and get wine and take a breath. She's a nurse, she should understand the whole ectopic pregnancy. We had to take injection which killed the tissue of our fetus. Now of course, I know this is completely different than having a terminally ill child. I understand having to make that kind of a choice for a child you have known and loved for years is FAR more difficult, painful, life changing, than ours. Big deal, we were pregnant for a few weeks, then had to end it because it would not have been a viable fetus. Yet, it's similar enough, that I feel she should have some tact and not share. Don't belabor the point of dying babies and children...I get it. Let it be.

We have wanted a child for so long and with no major fertility issues, it still eludes us. None of them understand. She has her baby, which Husband's mother takes care of and she has little to do with. She doesn't get it. She has no sympathy. I resent her for having a baby first. She has made no changes to her life. Expects everyone else to pick up for her and they do. It's gut wrenching to see Husband's parents with their baby. When you want something so badly, when every part of you is aching for a child and you are denied, month after month, it kills you to see others enjoying it with no concept of sacrifice or pain. To never have acknowledged your loss and your unmet desire is inexcusable to me.

Before Brat and Wife arrived, I told my mother-in-law that I really appreciated her understanding about us missing Christmas. She was kind and said that they missed us, she couldn't lie about that, but that they are always there for us if we need them. She said if I needed to just hang out with her, go shopping or just sit, she would do it. I believe her, I feel it would be too difficult for her to be around me, in my grief or frustration after getting to spend entire days with her precious granddaughter. I don't think she can handle it. Plus, it's difficult for me to not include Brat and Wife when I bitch about the situation and she doesn't want to hear that.

Last night I went to bed sobbing. Husband held me and was very kind. I just kept thinking "why are we so unworthy?"

The End of a Blissful Week

They are arriving early. On their way as I write this. We had six blissful days at the beach, away from the family and with no stress. It was the best Christmas I've had since, well, since I was a young kid and all I needed was the magic of Santa Claus. But now they are going to ruin it. We thought we had one more night before Brat and Wife showed up with everyone's little princess. I want to throw up.

I told myself all week that this will be a good weekend. I will not get caught up in the drama of my own grief and envy. I won't sit there sulking in bitterness and listing off my grudges against them. For awhile I actually believed I could do it. That was until the grandparents showed up and I saw that car seat base in the backseat while helping them unload. How can one small thing cause so much pain. It's just a piece of plastic, it's ridiculous.

There won't be one second of time where everyone isn't focused on the baby. It's so frustrating.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Hidden Away

Husband and I would be six months pregnant right now if we had not lost our pregnancy. This has been a very hard year for us, one major disappointment after another, so we decided to spend the holidays alone, away from family and the typical obligations. This has been the best Christmas ever. We're at the beach, there is no one around except the locals and we are enjoying our time. Husband feels a little guilty that he missed the holiday with his family, which I understand. He is very close with his family and only spent one holiday away from them.While he felt as overwhelmed, frustrated and heartbroken as I did this year, he would not have hidden away during the holidays as we have if were not for me. I needed it and have been grateful he agreed.

Yesterday we took our pooch down to the beach itself-it was a gorgeous day, sunny and clear with little wind. Just as we got past the dunes and onto the sand I said to him "We would be six months pregnant right now." He grabbed my hand and said "I think about that all the time."

That is a very heavy statement. It's heavy because you never expect a man to think about it all as much as you do, you tend to forget at you are the one taking pills, injections, peeing on sticks every morning, that he has lost as much as you have.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Keeping Time

When we were kids we kept time on based on our school schedule. Time was more about months than actual hours, September was the beginning of school, full of promise and excitement (if you were a nerd like me), December was Christmas break, March was spring break, then June brought that blessed three month respite from the classroom. You graduate from high school and go on to college and things are similar, but there is more of an emphasis on the breaks between quarters or semesters. You finish school and start working, time becomes attached to your 8-5 M-F week. There are no more big breaks, no more study weeks before finals, no more attending classes in barely passable lounge wear. Then you start to try to conceive and time changes. It is marked by specific days, created by scientists and doctors, who have not one bit of empathy or concern for you and your eggs.

So here were are. I'm 35 years old. No baby. 20 people I personally know have given birth in the last year or will give it next year. I remain the ONLY childless woman in a 1,500 mile radius.

Here is how I now keep time:

Day 1-miserable day when my period starts
Day 5- start taking Clomid
Day 10,11 or 12- follicle scan to see which of my ovaries will drop an egg. If it's the right, we don't try since it's blocked after the ectopic during our first, and only, pregnancy.
Day 13, 14- positive OPK test
Day 15,16- IUI
Day 27-spotting if I'll start my period
Day 29-full on period if we're not pregnant

Today is day 29. Yep, my period came, as usual. Have you ever thought you have cried all the tears your body could possibly make? It's amazing how tears are never ending.

My husband finally agreed that we won't spend time with family this year during Christmas. Thanksgiving was miserable enough. We are sick of everyone else's babies. Even those we love, we're just tired of them. This is such a painful, demeaning and cruel process, and the holiday is stressful enough, we just need to hide away. Months ago I tried to talk him into traveling somewhere for the holiday because I knew we wouldn't be pregnant. Being pregnant is the only thing that would make the holiday bearable, so obviously, we wouldn't be allowed that. But he hates to fly and refused. At least if we had planned a fabulous vacation no one would ask why we aren't hanging out with our exhausting and unsympathetic families.

Even better is that if, if, we do another fucking IUI this month, it will likely fall on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I always get a positive OPK test on Friday or Saturday which means the IUI is the following day. Who doesn't want to spend their Christmas full of false hope at the stupid hospital, knees up while a nurse inserts a plastic tube carrying the precious and amazing sperm from your spouse? Happy fucking Christmas everybody.

This has officially been one of the worst years of our lives. I joked months ago that if we actually made it through this very painful year, we should have a party themed "We Survived The Shitstorm that was 2011." Then we realized that our guest list would consist of new parents and family. Everyone would have to leave by 7pm to put their babies to bed. Fuck me.

Today I lamented that there is no here I can call and say "let's meet for a drink." No girlfriend I can rely on to meet me at a fancy new bar or a crappy dive bar and just relax and talk some shit.

My mom told me her thirties were her best years. Great. If this decade is any marker for the rest of my life, I am seriously screwed.