Friday, June 24, 2011


We had our first IUI on Sunday, June 12th, the morning of our godson's baptism. We felt good about it, I haven't been drinking, I've continued my prenatal vitamins, have been exercising, etc. We followed up the IUI with regular ol' intercourse and have felt very hopeful. Until last night.

Took a pregnancy test yesterday morning, it was negative. Fine, it was only day 27, still early. The app on my iPhone was telling me I'd start my period on day 27 but it has often been off a few days. All day at work yesterday it felt as though I was going to start any moment, and sure enough right before bed last night, spotting.

I started crying, but kept telling myself  "it could just be spotting." Husband wanted to hold me, but it was easier for me not to cry if I didn't make eye contact and kept my distance. He was crushed, but acted strong for me. This morning he ate his breakfast out in the garden and was very quiet. Told me that he doesn't want to hear me say "But it could just be spotting." He's done feeling hopeful for this cycle.

We were sure it would happen this month. The fact that the IUI was on our godson's baptism day, and it was his parents who introduced Husband and I so it had to mean something, right? I even went up during mass to receive a blessing, I have been saying my prayer to St. Jirard:
"O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen."

What else could I have done? My body hasn't been telling me anything-I'm not feeling different, no indication yet if I am pregnant. It's strange to me that even in the face of negative pregnancy tests, I haven't freaked out, as I normally would, so I believed that was my mind's way of telling me that I was pregnant. Don't freak out because you are, it just isn't showing up yet.

Each time I use the restroom today I'm checking and praying there is only a little blood. Please, God, let this just be implantation spotting, please let me pregnant. This is the right time, please don't make us go through this another month. Please let me give Husband a child of his own. Please allow me this natural and rightful process as a woman to conceive, grow and give birth to our baby. Please don't make me an outcast from all these women around me who have conceived already and share in something that I yet cannot. Please do not add this to my list of miseries, resentments and insecurities. Please let us be pregnant now and have a healthy baby of our own. Please.

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