Sunday, September 30, 2012

That Age

Last Sunday I turned 36. That week I had my period, but I was able to not get too depressed because I was at a professional conference and was experiencing some career related inspiration and could pretend I was a happy adult.

Today I had my first follicle scan at HMO since before my surgery. We gave ourselves three months of trying on our before going back for treatment. We thought we would be pregnant by now. Instead we are not, and we have decided that IVF is too expensive, the debt would make us uncomfortable and results are not guaranteed. Honestly after following many of your blogs, I am terrified of going through it. But today, HMO called and told me there were no follicle 1cm or larger which indicates I will not ovulate this month. I don't think I've ever not ovulated. The nurse informed me that this common for my age.

So that's it? Not only do I have a fifty-fifty chance each month since I only have one fallopian tube, but now I'm not ovulating at all some months?

Is this the beginning of menopause? How is this possible? 

All I wanted for my 36th birthday was to be pregnant. It feels like we have reached the end with no feasible options. I'm not willing to try IVF and take on the financial, physical and emotional costs. I can't put myself and my husband through that. We agreed a long time ago this would not be an at-all-costs thing. You have to stop punishing yourself at some point.

So we can keep trying on our own, or we can go through HMO and do IUIs on the rare month now that we ovulate, or we can give up, or try adoption, or we can change our minds about IVF. It seems like every decision is fluid in this process because we continue to find ourselves at the end of the line.


  1. We just went through our second failed ivf and I'm done wasting money. Back to basics of clomid and maybe more iuis next year. I understand your statement about the cost of treatment and burdening your finances. Good luck on your upcoming cycles.

    1. Thank you, Toni. I hope things work out for you when you start trying again. It's such bullshit that we are all going through this and there is no reason for any of it. And so many of us don't have any real diagnosis for what's wrong or which treatment will actually solve the problem. Each month seems to show how just how little our physicians know, yet we keep trying and hoping.

  2. I am so sorry. It makes me so angry that IVF isn't covered by all insurances and that some of us give up the hope of a family because of the cost. Living the American dream.

    RESOLVE meeting Tuesday at 7. I am going. Thinking of you.