Saturday, June 25, 2011

Of Course Not

Day 28, still barely spotting, negative pregnancy test. I'm furious with God. Another way to shit on Husband and I. I've already made my angry, self-pity fury exclamations about poor people procreating and everyone I know here is able to have babies but us, so I won't make them again even though I'm drowning in them. My first glass of wine in two weeks, I'm tempted to take vodka shots. Prayer doesn't work, even my friends who knew about this who said they would pray for us- it didn't work. My one friend who claimed God speaks to her- told her she was pregnant immediately after the act- even her prayers didn't work for us.

I will have to start taking Clomid again Monday. Another wasted $20 and five days. Still haven't received the bill from the first IUI, so who knows how much that will cost. Right now I feel it's not worth it. If they haven't found anything wrong with us, and we did an IUI, how can we not be pregnant? Why are Husband and I literally prevented from having the things in life we want most (aside from one another): our careers have been a wash, baby making a failure, even our car search has not worked out.

Another month of this bullshit. I have zero hope and feel no reason to try and believe it will ever happen. I hate you fucking bitches who end up pregnant: "It was a surprise" or "We didn't try long." Fuck you.

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