Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Had to go to the lab this morning to have a follow up blood test to Monday's strange results. I have had major PMS symptoms this week: sore breasts, irritability, quick to tears. This morning while I waited for the phlebotomist to finish with the woman ahead of me, I had to listen to them discuss pregnancy and babies. Tears welled up, I had to talk myself into staying calm and not dissolving into sobs. When he finally got to me, he was abrupt and I knew right away he would be rough. Sure enough, it was a painful prick and bled after for quite awhile. As soon as I got to the car I started hyperventilating and crying. It's just so painful to hear others talk about their pregnancy. It's ridiculous for me to feel this way.

Now I'm waiting at the dentist. Great day!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Chemical Pregnancy

Today I called the fertility nurse to report a negative pregnancy test, but no real period. Just spotting since Thursday. She wanted me to come in for a blood serum test because it's possible I am pregnant with spotting, especially since I had tender breasts. I left work mid-morning to have my blood drawn, hoping, hoping, hoping that I was really pregnant and that the blood test would finally be accurate. Wrong.

I waited until 4:00 to call her to find out the results, got the voice mail. She called back after 5:00 to explain my number was "strange." Anything below a 5 is a negative test result. A positive one is 25+. My number was 17. The nurse explained that they would expect to see a number in the hundreds if I was pregnant at this point. That "strange" number 17 may indicate a chemical pregnancy which is when the egg gets fertilized, starts dividing and triggers all the pregnancy chemicals in your body to increase, but then stops dividing. It could mean that we were pregnant, but it failed. Because of the strange number, I have to be tested again on Wednesday, and as a result, I can't start the Clomid tonight. Now I realize that I forgot to ask her if that means no IUI this month or just no Clomid.

There is nothing wrong with either of us. We should be able to conceive. Knowing we were possibly pregnant does not make me feel better about the fact that we are not pregnant now.

Brat's wife's baby shower is in August and I really needed to be pregnant by then. I needed it for me, so I could know we were going to have a baby, so when those nosey old ladies asked "when are you going to start a family" I could just smile and shrug, knowing I already had. It's not that I need to tell anyone, I just need to know it's happening for me, my peace of mind.

Husband just called after looking at some cars. He made the mistake of explaining that the one he really likes is similar in size to the one Brat and Wife have. I flipped out, "I don't want ANYTHING like what they have! I hate them!"

Seriously, grow up!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Of Course Not

Day 28, still barely spotting, negative pregnancy test. I'm furious with God. Another way to shit on Husband and I. I've already made my angry, self-pity fury exclamations about poor people procreating and everyone I know here is able to have babies but us, so I won't make them again even though I'm drowning in them. My first glass of wine in two weeks, I'm tempted to take vodka shots. Prayer doesn't work, even my friends who knew about this who said they would pray for us- it didn't work. My one friend who claimed God speaks to her- told her she was pregnant immediately after the act- even her prayers didn't work for us.

I will have to start taking Clomid again Monday. Another wasted $20 and five days. Still haven't received the bill from the first IUI, so who knows how much that will cost. Right now I feel it's not worth it. If they haven't found anything wrong with us, and we did an IUI, how can we not be pregnant? Why are Husband and I literally prevented from having the things in life we want most (aside from one another): our careers have been a wash, baby making a failure, even our car search has not worked out.

Another month of this bullshit. I have zero hope and feel no reason to try and believe it will ever happen. I hate you fucking bitches who end up pregnant: "It was a surprise" or "We didn't try long." Fuck you.

Friday, June 24, 2011


We had our first IUI on Sunday, June 12th, the morning of our godson's baptism. We felt good about it, I haven't been drinking, I've continued my prenatal vitamins, have been exercising, etc. We followed up the IUI with regular ol' intercourse and have felt very hopeful. Until last night.

Took a pregnancy test yesterday morning, it was negative. Fine, it was only day 27, still early. The app on my iPhone was telling me I'd start my period on day 27 but it has often been off a few days. All day at work yesterday it felt as though I was going to start any moment, and sure enough right before bed last night, spotting.

I started crying, but kept telling myself  "it could just be spotting." Husband wanted to hold me, but it was easier for me not to cry if I didn't make eye contact and kept my distance. He was crushed, but acted strong for me. This morning he ate his breakfast out in the garden and was very quiet. Told me that he doesn't want to hear me say "But it could just be spotting." He's done feeling hopeful for this cycle.

We were sure it would happen this month. The fact that the IUI was on our godson's baptism day, and it was his parents who introduced Husband and I so it had to mean something, right? I even went up during mass to receive a blessing, I have been saying my prayer to St. Jirard:
"O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen."

What else could I have done? My body hasn't been telling me anything-I'm not feeling different, no indication yet if I am pregnant. It's strange to me that even in the face of negative pregnancy tests, I haven't freaked out, as I normally would, so I believed that was my mind's way of telling me that I was pregnant. Don't freak out because you are, it just isn't showing up yet.

Each time I use the restroom today I'm checking and praying there is only a little blood. Please, God, let this just be implantation spotting, please let me pregnant. This is the right time, please don't make us go through this another month. Please let me give Husband a child of his own. Please allow me this natural and rightful process as a woman to conceive, grow and give birth to our baby. Please don't make me an outcast from all these women around me who have conceived already and share in something that I yet cannot. Please do not add this to my list of miseries, resentments and insecurities. Please let us be pregnant now and have a healthy baby of our own. Please.