Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Wednesday Morning

Woke up today and it feels like all the symptoms which I believed to be indicators of pregnancy are gone. My breasts are no longer feeling swollen and tender, the tightness and pulling in my abdomen (which I had Monday night and all day Tuesday) is gone, and I have that physical feeling like I'm going to start my period. Today is only day 26 of my cycle, so it's too early to test, even though I am fighting the driving urge to do so. If I do, and the result is negative, I'll be devastated, but still hope because the results aren't 100% accurate. Therefore, I will wait and test again, and if it is still negative, I will be devastated again, so what's the point? At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Stop overthinking everything, you might say. Well, that is a complete impossibility when you have suffered through pregnancy loss and infertility.

Going through this is like training to become a scientist. You write down all of your observations, check for controls and variables and publish your findings (in a blog). Sometimes the experiments you conduct are OPKs or early pregnancy tests at various days in your cycle, the tissue sample to check for spotting, taking a different angle to view the sample, checking at different times of the day to see if the results have changed, I could go on. Unlike a scientist, however, we do not receive payment (unless we achieve pregnancy), and are often paying for the privilege to be in the situation whether it be IUI, IVF, FET, or other processes.

I would like to retire from this constant scientific experiment. I would like for all of us to be able to do so.

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