Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Weapons of Mass Emotion

Pregnant bellies instantly bring tears to my eyes. Coming out of the restroom at work just now this cute, younger woman who is quite pregnant was walking directly toward me on her way in. Her belly sticks out a bit like a torpedo and it feels as though there is a direct connection to my emotions. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes. It happens everytime and it makes me disgusted with myself. I often see her in the restroom-either she is is behind me in line, or behind me waiting while I am washing my hands, etc. There are probably three hundred people who work on my floor and two sets of restrooms, but it appears that all of the pregnant women and new moms who are pumping are on my side of the floor so I cannot escape them. These sightings leave me feeling one of two ways: absolute hatred for the lucky woman or utter saddness for Husband and I. It still amazes me how present my grief is and how deeply effected we are by our loss last year.

As Mother's Day approaches I feel increasingly more emotional. We got lucky however, and won't be celebrating it with our mothers this year. Husband's mother is upset that her Precious will be in Hawaii with Brat and Wife so we won't be doing anything with them. Of course, that means I will miss the chance to spend time with MIL without Precious, Brat and Wife. Then my mom told me "I don't think about it now that Grandma is gone." So at least Husband and I will get a bit of a break and the day is free for us to enjoy as we see fit, which will likely be a little bit of yard work followed by entirely too much eating and drinking.

Also, as the month progresses we are getting closer to surgery to have the hydrosalpinx removed. Initially, I wasn't worried, but the closer it gets, the more concerned I am about them messing up. I fear they will take out the wrong tube or cause damage so that we can't even do an IUI but will have to do IVF. We are both hoping that we conceive this month, a viable pregnancy, not an ectopic, and will not have to have the surgery. Of course, we wouldn't know if it's ectopic by the date of the surgery which is equally nerve-wracking. After surgery I have to wait to have a period, then we can do an IUI. We can only do that if the left side is ovulating, which as the first quarter of this year has shown, could be once every three months. I hate this never ending cycle of hurry-up and wait, wait, wait, wait....

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