Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mother's Day

While I was searching on ETSY today to find something, anything, to give my MIL and mom for Mother's Day, it ocurred to me that this would have been my first Mother's Day as a mother. This would have been the first Mother's Day in years where I wasn't emotional, disappointed, heart broken. Instead, no matter what I do, it's going to be the worst one.

Logically I know I need to stop doing this. I need to stop thinking if our pregnancy had been viable things would be so different, I need to stop thinking this day or event would be my first as a mother, Husband's first as a father, but I can't. There has been a voice in my head over the last few days that has been reminding that there was a heart beat and in a flash I'm back in the hospital, listening to the doctor tell us about the heart beat and the size of the embryo. It was real just for one moment-our little baby.

Last year I gave cards to my girlfriends on their first Mother's Day, am I supposed to do the same for Brat's wife this year? I don't want to. The thought of standing in the card section at Target having to buy her a card makes me angry and sick. Honestly, like Christmas, I'd rather avoid this holiday all together. MIL was not a great mother this year, neither was mine, and frankly I am tired of celebrating everyone else's children. However, I fear that if Husband and I don't give cards to Brat and Wife on their respective parent holidays, they will feel slighted or feel we are being jerks, even though they would never reciprocate anyway. I just don't want to hear about it again like we did over New Year's after skipping Christmas with them, "But it's the baby's first Christmas! How could you miss it?!" and the phrase I'll never forget, "you just have to let it go."

Yes, I am still holding on to negativity from the past, and despite attempting to not let all these negative thoughts crowd my brain, they sneak in. I'm trying to not give them room, to not allow them to breathe and grow because it would only send me down a spiral I'm not sure I could recover from at this point. So I continue to try to block out the thoughts, the hatred and anger and pretend everything is fine. That is what THEY all want from us because it makes it easier on THEM. Maybe that will be my Mother's Day gift to everyone this year.

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