So now we are now fully on round two. People that I am acquainted with are now getting pregnant with their second child. How do I respond to that news? By crying, of course.
Last night Husband and I were over at our very close friends M&R's house. M told me that one of their friends is pregnant AGAIN. The pregnant friends are people we have known for years, due to the many social event M&R have hosted over the years. They are not my favorite people...their are perfectly fine human beings, just not our style. So of course, the fact that they are pregnant again hurts even worse because I don't particularly care for them. This is M&R's second set of friends to be having their second child. I have no joy for them at all. As horrible as that sounds, I couldn't be less happy for them.
This is the second time she had to tell me someone was pregnant, the last being in November when she told me R's sister (who we also don't care for) was pregnant. M waited to tell me because she knew it would be hard for me. Same thing this time. While I appreciate her sensitivity, it hurts me that she even has to think about what she can and can't say to me. That is probably ironic considering my recent posts about the insensitivity of the in-laws, but really, I never want our problems to cause others to walk on eggshells for us.
To medicate, I drank entirely too much wine last night, which is awful considering we just had our IUI on Wednesday. Now I am beating myself up for it and fear that if we aren't pregnant this cycle, it will be because I drank last night. This is unfounded, however. Crack addicts, alcoholics, prescription pill addicts can all get pregnant and have babies. One night of too much wine before implantation would not impact it. The longer we endure this process the more I realize that drinking, drugs, body weight, beauty, height, finances and mental stability have NOTHING to do with being able to conceive. You can be the kindest person in the world and not be able to have a baby of your own, but the meth addict stealing copper from metal scraps at an abandoned building downtown probably has three kids in the foster system.
I know people with life-threatening medical conditions that were warned to not get pregnant, have a healthy baby. I know people who have horrendous marriages, who said they never wanted children, people who are morally bankrupt...they all have kids. It's difficult to not constantly ask "why not us?" Us, with just a minor issue of a blocked tube, but superb sperm volume, progression and motility and consistent ovulation, with a good marriage, a stable financial situation and a support network, have yet to conceive.
It's a very dreary, rainy, gray Sunday morning. This morning I fought with Husband over something ridiculously stupid, my stomach is very unhappy with me, there is a mountain of clean, but unfolded laundry on the guest bed, I need to vacuum, clean the kitchen and take out the garbage. Instead, I have to get ready to meet my mother for lunch, which I assure you is the LAST thing I want to do. We're meeting at a pancake house she loves, where she will undoubtedly order two blueberry pancakes (taking one home for her dinner later), scrambled eggs, bacon and a cup of coffee. She never strays. Ordering something different is just way too adventurous for her.
Today is just meant to be a crappy day.