Sunday, July 22, 2012

After a Long Hiatus

It's been quite awhile since I last wrote, and not much has happened. The major event was having my right fallopian tube removed via laparoscopic surgery. Surgery went well, recovery was quick and I was able to see photos of the damaged tube. It was attached to the inside wall of my abdomen and had spots on-spots which the surgeon suggested were scar tissue from an appendectomy I had when I was a little girl. With the tube removed, Husband and I decided to give ourselves three months of trying to conceive on our own. If we are still unsuccessful after that time, we will return to the out-of-pocket fertility clinic for further treatment.

In the weeks following the surgery I felt quite relaxed, hopeful, empty of the jealousy and anger I had been feeling for the past few years. I felt so much relief, that I was able to let go of the absolute hatred focused at Brat & Wife, especially as they sent my flowers following my surgery. This was especially remarkable considering the utter miserable holiday weekend Husband and I spent with his family over Memorial Day. So much happened that weekend that I don't even want to recap it. I will say that even our cousins were bothered by what was said and certain behaviors exhibited by Brat & Wife and Husband's parents.

Sadly, this break from misery was short lived. As more time passes since the surgery, I have felt the anger and resentment return. The more time that goes on, the more Facebook posts about other peoples babies (announcements of how smart, funny, cute they are), pregnancies, etc., the more hopeless and frustrated I get.

We had yet another horrible weekend with the family over the 4th of July. This time, it was so bad our cousins left the vacation house early to get away. Still, Husband and I are too fearful of causing a fight to say anything. So I retreat to our room and cry or take the dog for a walk alone to get away. It's just more of the same-constant discussion about Precious, other people's pregnancies, names for a second baby, on and on and on. Is there nothing else that family can discuss? Every conversation is changed to be about Precious and I'm not exaggerating.

Things continue to be tenuous with Brat & Wife, but MIL is trying to connect with me again and I'm very glad. We have been chatting more and there is some ease in our interactions now. Even as she does and says things that bother me when Precious is around, the rest of the time, she is normal. I have been trying to meet her efforts as I don't want to lose a close relationship with her again.

As our struggles persist, Husband and I continue to work on forgiveness and trying not to take everything so personally. Logically we know that what is done and said is not done with any malice or intent to hurt us, but emotionally, it is so difficult to not react. We are trying, I guess that's all we can do.

This week will tell us if we've another failed attempt at conceiving. This is my second cycle since the surgery and our first attempt at conceiving. I was still recovering during ovulation last month, so we couldn't try then. We are both somewhere in between hopeful and cynical, optimistic and realistic.

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