Thursday, December 29, 2011

The End of a Blissful Week, Part 2

A little more about the end of our blissful week:
Today Husband's parents came, which is great. I love my in-laws and was looking forward to hanging out and partying with them. But of course, Brat and Wife were only a few hours behind. We assumed they wouldn't be here until tomorrow, but sure enough, they roll in, baby fussing and the car all full of bags and the miscellaneous shit people now a days think they need for their baby. Not that either of them actually carried anything up from the garage-no Husband and his mom brought everything up. Brat was too busy on the phone to do anything.

It's just difficult to be near them. Period. But I try and I fake it and I listen to Brat's wife while she talks about, again, everyone they know is having their second child. Their friends, are not our friends, I don't give a shit about who is having babies. I look her straight in the eye and she still has no recognition about what she is doing. Then she talks to me about some of the kids she has worked for whose families have let them die or have to make the decision (she is a pediatric home health nurse). I'm looking her in the eyes, staring, a terrible expression on my face and she still doesn't shut up. "How do you make that decisions, to let your child die?"  She went on and on about it. I finally get up and get wine and take a breath. She's a nurse, she should understand the whole ectopic pregnancy. We had to take injection which killed the tissue of our fetus. Now of course, I know this is completely different than having a terminally ill child. I understand having to make that kind of a choice for a child you have known and loved for years is FAR more difficult, painful, life changing, than ours. Big deal, we were pregnant for a few weeks, then had to end it because it would not have been a viable fetus. Yet, it's similar enough, that I feel she should have some tact and not share. Don't belabor the point of dying babies and children...I get it. Let it be.

We have wanted a child for so long and with no major fertility issues, it still eludes us. None of them understand. She has her baby, which Husband's mother takes care of and she has little to do with. She doesn't get it. She has no sympathy. I resent her for having a baby first. She has made no changes to her life. Expects everyone else to pick up for her and they do. It's gut wrenching to see Husband's parents with their baby. When you want something so badly, when every part of you is aching for a child and you are denied, month after month, it kills you to see others enjoying it with no concept of sacrifice or pain. To never have acknowledged your loss and your unmet desire is inexcusable to me.

Before Brat and Wife arrived, I told my mother-in-law that I really appreciated her understanding about us missing Christmas. She was kind and said that they missed us, she couldn't lie about that, but that they are always there for us if we need them. She said if I needed to just hang out with her, go shopping or just sit, she would do it. I believe her, I feel it would be too difficult for her to be around me, in my grief or frustration after getting to spend entire days with her precious granddaughter. I don't think she can handle it. Plus, it's difficult for me to not include Brat and Wife when I bitch about the situation and she doesn't want to hear that.

Last night I went to bed sobbing. Husband held me and was very kind. I just kept thinking "why are we so unworthy?"

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