Monday, April 23, 2012

Checking In

It's been difficult for me to write lately. I feel like everything is the same, all my posts are full of negativity and misery and who wants to read that? Regardless, here is another post:

We lived through the baptism of Brat and Wife's baby. Aside from a few comments from the priest about motherhood and watching how awkward Brat and Wife were because they didn't know what to expect because they didn't treat the occasion with the appropriate amount of respect, sincerity or reverence, there were very few times I had to choke back tears. Husband and I feel a sense of betrayal because the aunt we are very close to and have been, is spending all this time and emotion on their baby when they have spent nearly no time with her in the past. It's ridiculous that we feel that way, which we recognize, but it can't be helped right now. It was not an awful event, their frat/sorority friends stationed themselves at one end of the porch and the family (Husband's family. We do not mix with Wife's family-they keep to themselves and are late and not social). The division made it more comfortable, as did all the white wine that I downed. The upside was that Husband and I decided we want to have a bapstism separate from mass, just as Brat and Wife did. It felt more intimate and meaningful versus during mass when there could be more than one baby baptized.

Unrelated to that event, today I visited my younger sister and mother. In an effort to diffuse the tenuous relationship I have with my younger sister, I have been trying to spend time with her. There is a history of lies and manipulation on her part, but I can't stand to have issues unresolved, or more accurately I don't like to have strained relationships. Every time I go over there I hold my breath, fearful that she is going to say that she is pregnant again. Unemployed and living with my mother with her 17 month old and husband, it's an active fear that I cannot control. Just like I always expect hearing that from a friend or Brat's wife. No matter how unlikely or impractical it may be, it just feels like another baby is always on the verge of being announced. She has been working hard to lose weight for many months and has made great progress. I joined her and her husband for a long walk today, the second day of sunny weather this year. Luckily, the only announcement she made today was that she has started taking Effexor to help with her anxiety and social anxiety. Then she rattled on about the theme of her sci-fi trilogy she is starting to write. She and I are so very different, it's difficult to tell that we have any biological relation. It was a nice visit.

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