Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Continued Failure

Another difficult day. Had a positive OPK Monday, which was day 10 of my cycle and the earliest ever. Of course, when I tested that morning I got an error and was out of pee, so I tested again Monday night. The fertility clinic is not open, as you'd expect, so I left a message telling them of the result and asking to be scheduled for an IUI on Tuesday. I waited until 9:30 am the following morning before calling back. The nurse was defensive and bitchy-they don't check messages at night which is why they tell us to test in the morning, she had been in a meeting all morning and hadn't had time to check messages, etc. She said she thought it was just the "clomid talking" because that was too early to be ovulating, we could not schedule an IUI until Wednesday. If I really was ovulating, the eggs would still be there on Wednesday, not to worry. I informed her I had a follicle scan scheduled for Wednesday at 7:45am and that I would be over right after to discuss this with her directly following. She agreed and scheduled us for a 9:45 am IUI  on Wednesday.

Got up this morning, got to the ultrasound waiting area early. The technician was very lively, friendly, kind. It gave me hope, but sure enough, only the right fucking ovary had eggs ready to drop. I started crying. Poor technician, she was really sweet, but it was too late.

I cried all the way over from the ultrasound area to the OB/GYN waiting area. After 15 minutes when more than one of the office staff finally arrived for the day, I stepped in and let them know I was out there waiting to speak with the nurse about my scan. The whole time knowing we wouldn't be doing an IUI, but I wanted to talk with her anyway. 45 minutes went by, so I stepped in again and they said she hadn't yet received the ultrasound report. Eventually she called me back and said, "We are right on track, let's do the IUI" I looked at her in absolute rage "There are only eggs on the right side!" She looked down at her chart and said "Oh, damn" and with that I started sobbing. Right there in the hallway as other nurses were bringing in big, round, pregnant women for their happy prenatal appointments. I walked out of the office.

Sobbing all the way to the car, I sat there and called Husband. We had exhausted everything this worthless HMO could do for us and now we are at the mercy of a fertility clinic that is not covered by insurance. Why do we have to pay for a baby? We can't even afford the treatments! Husband said he feels everything is a joke. It's been such an arduous and painful process, what's going to change? If we don't have the money for IVF, we don't get to have a baby of our own?! We have resources, but not that kind, so does that make us unworthy?

Knowing that all of this is because I have one blocked tube is devastating. It's all my fault that we don't have a baby. I've never had an abortion, never had a real reason to be infertile, yet I'm not worthy of being pregnant and carrying a healthy baby into this world. To fulfill the most base desires and function of being a woman, to produce a child-why am I being robbed of this when there are so many unworthy people doing so.

I am a failure.

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