Continued Failure

Another difficult day. Had a positive OPK Monday, which was day 10 of my cycle and the earliest ever. Of course, when I tested that morning I got an error and was out of pee, so I tested again Monday night. The fertility clinic is not open, as you'd expect, so I left a message telling them of the result and asking to be scheduled for an IUI on Tuesday. I waited until 9:30 am the following morning before calling back. The nurse was defensive and bitchy-they don't check messages at night which is why they tell us to test in the morning, she had been in a meeting all morning and hadn't had time to check messages, etc. She said she thought it was just the "clomid talking" because that was too early to be ovulating, we could not schedule an IUI until Wednesday. If I really was ovulating, the eggs would still be there on Wednesday, not to worry. I informed her I had a follicle scan scheduled for Wednesday at 7:45am and that I would be over right after to discuss this with her directly following. She agreed and scheduled us for a 9:45 am IUI  on Wednesday.

Got up this morning, got to the ultrasound waiting area early. The technician was very lively, friendly, kind. It gave me hope, but sure enough, only the right fucking ovary had eggs ready to drop. I started crying. Poor technician, she was really sweet, but it was too late.

I cried all the way over from the ultrasound area to the OB/GYN waiting area. After 15 minutes when more than one of the office staff finally arrived for the day, I stepped in and let them know I was out there waiting to speak with the nurse about my scan. The whole time knowing we wouldn't be doing an IUI, but I wanted to talk with her anyway. 45 minutes went by, so I stepped in again and they said she hadn't yet received the ultrasound report. Eventually she called me back and said, "We are right on track, let's do the IUI" I looked at her in absolute rage "There are only eggs on the right side!" She looked down at her chart and said "Oh, damn" and with that I started sobbing. Right there in the hallway as other nurses were bringing in big, round, pregnant women for their happy prenatal appointments. I walked out of the office.

Sobbing all the way to the car, I sat there and called Husband. We had exhausted everything this worthless HMO could do for us and now we are at the mercy of a fertility clinic that is not covered by insurance. Why do we have to pay for a baby? We can't even afford the treatments! Husband said he feels everything is a joke. It's been such an arduous and painful process, what's going to change? If we don't have the money for IVF, we don't get to have a baby of our own?! We have resources, but not that kind, so does that make us unworthy?

Knowing that all of this is because I have one blocked tube is devastating. It's all my fault that we don't have a baby. I've never had an abortion, never had a real reason to be infertile, yet I'm not worthy of being pregnant and carrying a healthy baby into this world. To fulfill the most base desires and function of being a woman, to produce a child-why am I being robbed of this when there are so many unworthy people doing so.

I am a failure.

Would-Be Due Date

Today was the due date the nurse gave us when we were pregnant last year. In honor of our would-be due date, I'm posting the journal entries I wrote when we first found out we were pregnant. ---


Dear Baby, we wanted you to know that you were wanted long before you were a reality. You were tried for, dreamed of, prayed for and the news that you were real made us so happy. 

We had a bit of a rough time conceiving you but you are completely worth the effort. We found out you first existed on Wednesday, June 29. I was sitting in the parking lot of dentist's office after my cleaning appointment and I contacted the nurse to see what the blood test results were. She told me it appeared that I was pregnant. I was thrilled! Stunned! We had taken several pregnancy tests that week and they were all negative, so we assumed you weren't going to happen this month. The nurse told me to come back in two days to verify the pregnancy with another blood test (third this week. See all the trouble you were before you were even born ;-)) I immediately called your daddy who of course, did not answer his phone. I called and called and called. Meanwhile there were two squirrels playing on the tree, doing what looked like trying to make a baby of their own. It was pretty funny and not all the setting for which I imagined I would find out you existed and tell your daddy. 

Finally I got through to Daddy and told him the good news. He was at work with Nonna and Pops, so he had to be quiet and careful about what he said, we didn't want anyone to know just yet. But his whole voice changed. You'll notice it someday, the tender way he talks when he's really happy. He was over the moon. He also had a dental appointment soon after mine, so I waited for him to arrive at the dentist and ran to him when he pulled in the lot. We hugged, all smiles, full of excitement and absolute joy to know you were growing inside me. We've been waiting for you for over a year. 

Auntie Mindy was the first to know. I had to talk about the roller coaster of the week with someone! I texted her about all the mixed information we had received that week and the news that my newest test was positive. She has also been waiting for you. You have a lot of people waiting for you, wanting you, looking forward to meeting you and loving you. Even though it is very early and we had no intention of telling anyone until at least six weeks, it could not be helped. I needed Auntie Mindy at that moment. Later that day she came by with Bradley for some cuddles. You'll love Bradley, he is such a sweet boy. I hope you two will be great friends. 

It's Thursday, June 30, and tomorrow morning I go back for the third blood test which will confirm that things are progressing as they should. Daddy and I are nervous about it, in case something has changed, but we continue to pray and hope you're there, growing. We love you already.  

Friday, July 1 and the nurse informed me today that you are real. We are really pregnant! So much joy! I called your Daddy right away and he is so happy that he cried. He is so happy to know you'll be here soon. The nurse estimated your delivery date of March 4, 2010. That is your Auntie Kimmie's birthday. I'm sure you won't arrive exactly on that day, but it doesn't matter. We are in good health, which is a blessing. More good news on top of learning you're real, is the nurse told me to stop running and start walking instead. I'm not upset about that, running is a struggle! Daddy and I will take good care of you, be sure you get what you need. You're in good hands, little one. We are so grateful to God for you. You will grow up in the Catholic faith and I want you to know God, to have a relationship with Him. Your life will be enriched with the love and care of a parish and of God. 

Monday, July 4, 2011

Beach weekend. 

We told your Nonna and Pops on Saturday that you we are pregnant with you. I told Nonna as we sat down for dinner. I had been itching to tell them since we arrived on Friday, but it just never felt like the right time. Saturday evening Nonna asked me if I felt okay,and I just looked at her and said "Michael and I are pregnant" she SCREAMED! Auntie Rosie, Cousin Shawn and Michelle were there, too. After Nonna screamed, she hugged me and everyone was standing in the kitchen asking "what's wrong?!" Nonna blurted out, "they're pregnant!" Then one by one they all hugged Daddy and me. It was the first time I cried since we found about you. So much excitement and happiness. Auntie Rosie cried and cried, which is her way, you'll learn that soon enough, and said that she just knew it. She explained that as she was driving up to the beach house she just felt it was time for us to have you. 

It was so much fun to share the news of you with family. I told you already that there are many people waiting to meet you and who already love you. Everyone is already talking about babysitting you, the things they will teach you (Cousin Shawn has a host of bad habits he's ready to share ;-)) and how Auntie Rosie is so glad to be retiring within a year so she can help watch you with Nonna. You're very lucky, Baby, you get to have a Nonna and an Auntie Rosie to care for you. 

Daddy continues to ask how you are doing and each day he kisses my belly. Cousin Michelle calls me little mama and touches my belly, too. It's fun to fuss over you, even though at this point you are only the size of a poppy seed. You are life, growing inside me, giving us a gift so great we thank God each day. 

Friday, July 8, 2011

We had another blood test today to see how the hCG levels were doing. We're up to 2023-a great number! It made Daddy and I feel more confident that things are going very well. It's amazing how a number can bring so much relief and happiness. I know that you're growing inside me because I have been so hungry! Tonight Daddy made verde burritos-one of our absolute favorites. I was proud of myself for eating one burrito, when I really wanted three. Self control has never been a strong point for me, something I hope not to pass down to you. Tomorrow you'll be with me at Dani's bachelorette party. My first wine tasting where I won't be drinking wine. You're going to owe me a lovely bottle wine to make up for it. ;-)