Friday, February 3, 2012

Wine and Doubts

It's Friday, had a negative pregnancy test this morning. I am so grateful that I had a weekend away planned. Husband is at home while I'm out in wine country with friends.

These friends are incredibly generous, kind and a blast to hang out with. There is no talk about babies, just blissful adult discussions about people we know, current events and history between us. We drink wine, eat delicious food and make fun of the east coast visitors who are so out of place here.

It's painful and hard to believe that with such a large egg this month on the left side that we didn't conceive. My feelings this week have been absolute rage. I want to lash out at my younger sister and call her names and make her feel like shit because she has a kid. I hate every pregnant woman I see in public and don't hold back giving dirty looks to parents with young children.

The best part about this month was we had no symptoms of pregnancy so we had no hope. It's sad to say that's a good thing. I'm the heaviest I've been, I'm bitter that I gave up a career which was leading to my dream job to move home and have kids, but we aren't pregnant and now I'm stuck in a stupid job with no growth. I feel completely alone amongst our family and friends. My worthless degree and the huge student loans from it keep me from having the freedom to travel and at least do what I want on a personal level. What is the point of it all?

No comments:

Post a Comment