Next Step

One of the phrases I never wanted to hear was said by our fertility nurse yesterday, "reproductive endocrinologist." The nurse said that according to statistics, if you're going to be successful with IUIs, it will be within the first four cycles. Seeing an RE is our next step.

In the blogs I read, it's the people going through really horrible fertility problems, pregnancy and child loss who mention their RE. I don't want one. It means something is really wrong. It makes me afraid that we'll have to go through more invasive testing and worst of all, they will find that there is something terribly wrong with me and will tell us that we won't be able to conceive or have a child of our own.

Our HMO has to refer us to a local RE, because they don't provide the service. They also don't pay for it.  I was reading through the clinic's website and they list the definition of infertility for different age groups. For women 35+ it's not getting pregnant after six months of unprotected intercourse. Even if you count the ectopic in July of last year, I am infertile. We have been trying for two full years now-that makes me infertile four times over.

And Another One

Yesterday my friend told me they are expecting. His text told me they were just past the first trimester and wanted to tell us before making the big announcement. Husband and I are happy for them, but as usual, it is very painful for us.
Husband was not surprised. He expected it, though it still made him feel bad. Those uncontrollable tears I have been experiencing over the last year started right away. Sitting at my desk at work, trying hard to hide them, dabbing with a tissue and sniffeling. I don't know how to not feel this way. Why can't I just feel joy  for the people I care about?
I write this while I'm at the pharmacy picking up this month's prescription of Clomid.

Wine and Doubts

It's Friday, had a negative pregnancy test this morning. I am so grateful that I had a weekend away planned. Husband is at home while I'm out in wine country with friends.

These friends are incredibly generous, kind and a blast to hang out with. There is no talk about babies, just blissful adult discussions about people we know, current events and history between us. We drink wine, eat delicious food and make fun of the east coast visitors who are so out of place here.

It's painful and hard to believe that with such a large egg this month on the left side that we didn't conceive. My feelings this week have been absolute rage. I want to lash out at my younger sister and call her names and make her feel like shit because she has a kid. I hate every pregnant woman I see in public and don't hold back giving dirty looks to parents with young children.

The best part about this month was we had no symptoms of pregnancy so we had no hope. It's sad to say that's a good thing. I'm the heaviest I've been, I'm bitter that I gave up a career which was leading to my dream job to move home and have kids, but we aren't pregnant and now I'm stuck in a stupid job with no growth. I feel completely alone amongst our family and friends. My worthless degree and the huge student loans from it keep me from having the freedom to travel and at least do what I want on a personal level. What is the point of it all?