Just Be Patient

"Just be patient and give it over to God" is what my MIL said to me yesterday. We were talking and she asked me about a recent doctor's appointment. I tried to explain the process we go through each month and how ovaries don't necessarily alternate months and that I have a scan each month to see which ovary will be productive, etc. This led to a more in-depth discussion of how hard this has been. She told me she can see how it weighs on Husband, and it clearly makes us sad, but that we, meaning me, should not "shut them out."This was her way of telling me she is hurt about us not being there for Christmas. Then she tells me I have to be patient and give it over to God. I asked her, what do you do when you feel betrayed by God? "Just pray."At this point, I'm feeling justified not discussing it with her. This is not helpful advice, she can't relate and though she validated my feelings by acknowledging the ectopic was a real loss, she can't really comfort me. No one can. She said she knows it will all be alright and work out. If we want to go another route, another clinic, etc.

So I'm sitting there on the couch crying and Wife is in her room nearby, so I know she can hear us talking, but when she comes out of her room she doesn't say a word. Doesn't ask why I'm crying or if I'm okay, etc. I know, it sounds like I need to be the center of attention, but that's not what I want. It's strange to me that a woman, who is supposed to have intuition and empathy, never notices anything.

After the conversation with the MIL I decided to let it go. I'm not going to be angry at Brat and Wife for having a baby, for not being really warm or loving to her, for having pawned their dog off to grandparents as soon as they had the baby (which I assume they will do with their baby when they have a second one) for her feeding the baby in bed and sleeping with the baby while Brat has to sleep on the couch, for the baby being the ONLY thing they talk about and that anyone focuses on etc. I did feel lighter after the discussion, despite feeling irritated. The rest of the day went well.

This morning I'm feeling agitated. Wife can't eat dairy because it upsets the baby's stomach, which is common. But she really freaks out about EVERYTHING, things with powdered milk or butter. "Oh, I can't eat that" and "That's not okay to eat" so everyone notices. It's annoying. Then I was stupid and acted like a brat. We just ended breakfast and someone made a cocktail and said "Hey, we gotta celebrate the last day of the year." The conversation led to me once again, putting my self-pity foot in my mouth. FIL said "you gotta have bad years to have good years" and I made a stupid comment "not everyone has bad years."  Then of course he goes on and on about how it's just perspective, blah blah blah. I felt embarrassed that I said that and showed my ass. I know everyone has hard times, but sometimes I get petty and feeling sorry for myself and I say stupid things. It felt like FIL got annoyed with me and that makes me feel awful.

As I write this, Wife and Auntie are sitting near me with the baby telling stories over and over and over again about birth, labor, etc. I have to just let it go.