So Begins Another Two Week Wait

This time I am feeling hopeful though. Felt the ovulation twinge on my left side (where there the tube is good), I am not drinking any wine this time and am taking prenatal vitamins every night. I'm trying to be a good girl in an effort to sway the odds our way. To further this goal of doing things differently during this cycle, we avoided seeing people who have somehow always been around during the prime fertility time and therefore we have begun to foolishly blame them for our negative results each month, I'm trying to not think negative thoughts about Brat and Wife, and am allowing myself to feel hopeful. 

------------------------------------
I started writing this post on Sunday, but today is Wednesday and I've lost all that optimism. Maybe I'm just tired, didn't eat enough, whatever, but I have been in and out of a low mood for the past two days. I'm angry, screaming at people in the car, feeling very irritated with Husband. Granted, this is how I typically feel, but it has been much worse lately. As a result, I am coping by eating sugar. Seems like I am determined to get really fat, because that certainly will make me feel better. Though I continue to exercise, it's not enough of a release. While I managed to not focus on Brat and Wife this weekend, yesterday and today I have been really stewing. It's so stupid, and I tell myself to stop, which I do, for about ten minutes. It happens when I start to think what if we don't get pregnant? Then I fall into that trap of it's not fair, all these idiots around us have babies, etc. My younger sister texted me out of the blue wanting to go to lunch this week, and to pay....that makes me think she is going to tell me big news that I don't want to hear. Husband and I have been feeling like the second round of babies is coming because the first are all 12 months or older. I'm not ready to handle that if we aren't even pregnant with our first. We are always for the other shoe to drop. Doesn't that sum up all of us going through this?

Another Gut Punch

The idiot that I am, I checked Facebook last night on my way to bed. Yes, my last post mentioned how I hate Facebook and it is just full of other peoples babies and inane comments, but I can't help myself. Sure enough there was an announcement from this old coworker of mine, complete with photos of the four pee sticks she tested on. She is a mess of a woman, nice enough, but with many physical ailments and a whole lot of crazy and medications to tame that crazy. She recently married a much older man and now they are pregnant. Just barely pregnant.
Her posting it so early on upset me because it highlighted the fact that we, those of us struggling with fertility, will never be free to do something like that, outside of this community. We can share those early moments of joy together because we understand the other side of it. We know what it is like to want and hope and suffer loss and so we rejoice in one another's victories. We also know that things can suddenly change, and if the worst happens, we know that this community offers understanding and support. I thought, what if she loses the baby? What will she post then? What kind of support will her one million Facebook friends offer? To have to tell that many people that you are no longer pregnant...
Infertility, I have said before, robs us of those types of unfettered moments of joy. We will always have fear and doubt creeping around, even at our most happy and hopeful.  That fact only adds to the pain of hearing about someone else's pregnancy who has not endured what we have. How dare they have that kind of unencumbered happiness.

That's Your Baby, Not Mine

Facebook shows me photos of what I try to avoid (here is an article from CNN regarding status envy). Even the friends we care about, their babies become tiresome. No, the babies aren't tiresome, it's having to hear about and plan around their schedules, getting suckered into viewing 15 minute long photo slide shows when you thought you were only going to see one photo, hear about every new type of poop, new movement or mumble. It's the same with those emails that have a link to photo sharing sites complete with hundreds of newly added photos from last month, and a promise of more to come. It's just like at work when people stop by to chat about their kids, when I didn't ask. Standing in line for lunch, at the elevator, at the grocery store. Your baby is yours, why are you forcing them on me? I am not cold or trying to be mean, just frustrated with the self- centered focus people tend to have. Honestly, we all need to remember that what is ours, is ours, and it is not kind to brag, boast or innundate others about it.   Of course I say this as  I write a blog which is all about ME and my efforts to force my misery on anyone who bothers to read this.

Saturday night Husband and I were hanging out with his parents to enjoy their air conditioning. They are big fans of the show Homeland, which we started to watch, it wasn't bad, but it reminded me of the career I walked away from, plus we were staying the night in the room where Precious' playpen is. It was too much, too may symbols of failure in one 24 hour period for me to handle. 

Secret World

Tonight I was reading Hope Deferred by Lady Grey Hope Deferred by Lady Grey and in her "About Me" section she mentioned how the blog is her secret world. That phrase really struck me because I often feel like infertility is a secret world, these horrible and painful experiences we go through we keep to ourselves and we feel isolated from the rest of the world. Those of us who have difficulty conceiving operate in two different universes; the one flush with babies and couples who have no idea that some struggle to conceive, and that full of pain, grief, heartbreak and resentment.

It is so unfair that some have no concept of what we go through. They constantly talk about their pregnancies, their babies, breastfeeding, labor, etc. They assume you are doing something wrong and that's why you don't have babies yet. They assume if you just ate differently, exercised more, prayed harder, stopped worrying, had more sex that you, too, would be pregnant.

Ignorance is no excuse. Lack of experience is no excuse. Sympathy, empathy, come from recognizing sorrow in someone else. You do not need to have lived through the same shitty experiences to acknowledge others face different circumstances. Our situation calls for awareness, sensitivity, kindness, but these are traits that so many humans cannot extend or do not hold. The funny thing is that while we are mired in our misery, suffering in our grief and frustration, we have a heightened awareness that others may be experiencing difficulty. Those who have everything they want with no effort are focused solely on themselves.

There is no one in my life who has experienced these hardships, so I turn to the authors of the blogs for comfort, support and kinship. Even though I may silently stalk the blogs and not comment or reach out, all of you have kept me going. You all offer reassurance that my husband and I are not going through this alone, navigating this secret world without a pilot. I am sorry that you are all dealing with this, but thank you for sharing. You may never know just how much you help.

Are You Fucking Kidding?!

Unbelievable. I waited as long as I could. Day 32, 2:00 p.m., I went out to buy pregnancy tests because I still had not started my period. Right when I sat down to take the test, my period started. Now Husband is angry with me for taking a test when he wanted me to wait-we both know my period would come, we knew I wasn't pregnant, wanted to postpone the pain. But I figured that I had spent all morning and afternoon cleaning and running around being very active and it hadn't started, so taking a test was logical.

I'm not crushed that it's negative, I am furious. Furious I was able to wait this fucking long before giving into that excitement and taking a damn test. Furious that my body strung me along for days when all along it had no intention of being pregnant. Furious that we can't have what we want most. Furious we don't have enough money to feel comfortable doing private pay IUI or IVF. Furious, again, at everyone else around us who children, whether they are good parents or not. In my heart I knew I wasn't pregnant, but c'mon, why did I have to wait so long to find out for sure?

What does this mean? The right ovary ovulated instead of the left where there is a tube intact or we didn't have enough sex because husband was camping that weekend and we missed a day of possible fertility, that there is some other problem that was masked by the blocked tube, or simply that we will never get pregnant for no known reason. Makes me want to give up. Makes me want to walk away from everything and just go be alone and not think about trying anymore-just being a woman outside of this fertility madness cycle. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Symptom Obsession

Here we are on day 31 of my cycle, no period yet. Been trying to be patient all week, not expecting anything, trying not to get my hopes up that we just may be pregnant this time. But who am I kidding, I've been obsessing all week! Right now I'm sitting at work and am bored so I pull out my calendar and go through it to see how long my cycles have been and if the start dates have correlated to when I ovulated. This month I ovulated a little later than normal, so I was curious if that's why I hadn't started yet. As I flip through my calendar, marked with "Positive OPK," "I" (intercourse), "IUI," and "Negative Pregnancy Test," I notice that the date of ovulation did not appear to impact the date my period started. Very good. Then comes April 2012, and there it is, a day 32 start. It felt like a jolt of electricity shot through my head. Written in pencil is "period started in the evening. No spotting." This empirical data was building me up, making me believe that if I did not find such a late start date in my records, then this would certainly mean I was pregnant.

This week I had some very light spotting that began on Tuesday and has continued at that level all week. It is way less than what I had when we were pregnant with the ectopic. This has continued to give me hope, while I tried not to hope. It's useless trying to not get my hopes up-everything is a sign that I am, yet at the same time, a sign that I'm not. This time I have little breast tenderness, little spotting, my attitude and mood is as bad as it usually is, but I've been dizzy in the evenings, not interested in drinking wine. All of these things I have experienced before and I know better than to believe them as symptoms of pregnancy, but I want to believe they all mean something.

I track every symptom and I'm beginning to think that is a bad idea. It causes me to over think every little thing and I'm wearing out the binding in my calendar, constantly opening it and flipping through the pages, desperately trying to find some kind of evidence that would prove I am pregnant. It's crazy!

Husband and I have already decided to wait to take a pregnancy test until either tonight or tomorrow morning. A negative test is so heart breaking we just want to put it off as long as possible. In the mean time, it's still possible my period will start. It's also possible that I'm not pregnant, just didn't have a period. My body is so mean to me!

After a Long Hiatus

It's been quite awhile since I last wrote, and not much has happened. The major event was having my right fallopian tube removed via laparoscopic surgery. Surgery went well, recovery was quick and I was able to see photos of the damaged tube. It was attached to the inside wall of my abdomen and had spots on-spots which the surgeon suggested were scar tissue from an appendectomy I had when I was a little girl. With the tube removed, Husband and I decided to give ourselves three months of trying to conceive on our own. If we are still unsuccessful after that time, we will return to the out-of-pocket fertility clinic for further treatment.

In the weeks following the surgery I felt quite relaxed, hopeful, empty of the jealousy and anger I had been feeling for the past few years. I felt so much relief, that I was able to let go of the absolute hatred focused at Brat & Wife, especially as they sent my flowers following my surgery. This was especially remarkable considering the utter miserable holiday weekend Husband and I spent with his family over Memorial Day. So much happened that weekend that I don't even want to recap it. I will say that even our cousins were bothered by what was said and certain behaviors exhibited by Brat & Wife and Husband's parents.

Sadly, this break from misery was short lived. As more time passes since the surgery, I have felt the anger and resentment return. The more time that goes on, the more Facebook posts about other peoples babies (announcements of how smart, funny, cute they are), pregnancies, etc., the more hopeless and frustrated I get.

We had yet another horrible weekend with the family over the 4th of July. This time, it was so bad our cousins left the vacation house early to get away. Still, Husband and I are too fearful of causing a fight to say anything. So I retreat to our room and cry or take the dog for a walk alone to get away. It's just more of the same-constant discussion about Precious, other people's pregnancies, names for a second baby, on and on and on. Is there nothing else that family can discuss? Every conversation is changed to be about Precious and I'm not exaggerating.

Things continue to be tenuous with Brat & Wife, but MIL is trying to connect with me again and I'm very glad. We have been chatting more and there is some ease in our interactions now. Even as she does and says things that bother me when Precious is around, the rest of the time, she is normal. I have been trying to meet her efforts as I don't want to lose a close relationship with her again.

As our struggles persist, Husband and I continue to work on forgiveness and trying not to take everything so personally. Logically we know that what is done and said is not done with any malice or intent to hurt us, but emotionally, it is so difficult to not react. We are trying, I guess that's all we can do.

This week will tell us if we've another failed attempt at conceiving. This is my second cycle since the surgery and our first attempt at conceiving. I was still recovering during ovulation last month, so we couldn't try then. We are both somewhere in between hopeful and cynical, optimistic and realistic.