Continued Failure

Another difficult day. Had a positive OPK Monday, which was day 10 of my cycle and the earliest ever. Of course, when I tested that morning I got an error and was out of pee, so I tested again Monday night. The fertility clinic is not open, as you'd expect, so I left a message telling them of the result and asking to be scheduled for an IUI on Tuesday. I waited until 9:30 am the following morning before calling back. The nurse was defensive and bitchy-they don't check messages at night which is why they tell us to test in the morning, she had been in a meeting all morning and hadn't had time to check messages, etc. She said she thought it was just the "clomid talking" because that was too early to be ovulating, we could not schedule an IUI until Wednesday. If I really was ovulating, the eggs would still be there on Wednesday, not to worry. I informed her I had a follicle scan scheduled for Wednesday at 7:45am and that I would be over right after to discuss this with her directly following. She agreed and scheduled us for a 9:45 am IUI  on Wednesday.

Got up this morning, got to the ultrasound waiting area early. The technician was very lively, friendly, kind. It gave me hope, but sure enough, only the right fucking ovary had eggs ready to drop. I started crying. Poor technician, she was really sweet, but it was too late.

I cried all the way over from the ultrasound area to the OB/GYN waiting area. After 15 minutes when more than one of the office staff finally arrived for the day, I stepped in and let them know I was out there waiting to speak with the nurse about my scan. The whole time knowing we wouldn't be doing an IUI, but I wanted to talk with her anyway. 45 minutes went by, so I stepped in again and they said she hadn't yet received the ultrasound report. Eventually she called me back and said, "We are right on track, let's do the IUI" I looked at her in absolute rage "There are only eggs on the right side!" She looked down at her chart and said "Oh, damn" and with that I started sobbing. Right there in the hallway as other nurses were bringing in big, round, pregnant women for their happy prenatal appointments. I walked out of the office.

Sobbing all the way to the car, I sat there and called Husband. We had exhausted everything this worthless HMO could do for us and now we are at the mercy of a fertility clinic that is not covered by insurance. Why do we have to pay for a baby? We can't even afford the treatments! Husband said he feels everything is a joke. It's been such an arduous and painful process, what's going to change? If we don't have the money for IVF, we don't get to have a baby of our own?! We have resources, but not that kind, so does that make us unworthy?

Knowing that all of this is because I have one blocked tube is devastating. It's all my fault that we don't have a baby. I've never had an abortion, never had a real reason to be infertile, yet I'm not worthy of being pregnant and carrying a healthy baby into this world. To fulfill the most base desires and function of being a woman, to produce a child-why am I being robbed of this when there are so many unworthy people doing so.

I am a failure.

Would-Be Due Date

Today was the due date the nurse gave us when we were pregnant last year. In honor of our would-be due date, I'm posting the journal entries I wrote when we first found out we were pregnant. ---


Dear Baby, we wanted you to know that you were wanted long before you were a reality. You were tried for, dreamed of, prayed for and the news that you were real made us so happy. 

We had a bit of a rough time conceiving you but you are completely worth the effort. We found out you first existed on Wednesday, June 29. I was sitting in the parking lot of dentist's office after my cleaning appointment and I contacted the nurse to see what the blood test results were. She told me it appeared that I was pregnant. I was thrilled! Stunned! We had taken several pregnancy tests that week and they were all negative, so we assumed you weren't going to happen this month. The nurse told me to come back in two days to verify the pregnancy with another blood test (third this week. See all the trouble you were before you were even born ;-)) I immediately called your daddy who of course, did not answer his phone. I called and called and called. Meanwhile there were two squirrels playing on the tree, doing what looked like trying to make a baby of their own. It was pretty funny and not all the setting for which I imagined I would find out you existed and tell your daddy. 

Finally I got through to Daddy and told him the good news. He was at work with Nonna and Pops, so he had to be quiet and careful about what he said, we didn't want anyone to know just yet. But his whole voice changed. You'll notice it someday, the tender way he talks when he's really happy. He was over the moon. He also had a dental appointment soon after mine, so I waited for him to arrive at the dentist and ran to him when he pulled in the lot. We hugged, all smiles, full of excitement and absolute joy to know you were growing inside me. We've been waiting for you for over a year. 

Auntie Mindy was the first to know. I had to talk about the roller coaster of the week with someone! I texted her about all the mixed information we had received that week and the news that my newest test was positive. She has also been waiting for you. You have a lot of people waiting for you, wanting you, looking forward to meeting you and loving you. Even though it is very early and we had no intention of telling anyone until at least six weeks, it could not be helped. I needed Auntie Mindy at that moment. Later that day she came by with Bradley for some cuddles. You'll love Bradley, he is such a sweet boy. I hope you two will be great friends. 

It's Thursday, June 30, and tomorrow morning I go back for the third blood test which will confirm that things are progressing as they should. Daddy and I are nervous about it, in case something has changed, but we continue to pray and hope you're there, growing. We love you already.  

Friday, July 1 and the nurse informed me today that you are real. We are really pregnant! So much joy! I called your Daddy right away and he is so happy that he cried. He is so happy to know you'll be here soon. The nurse estimated your delivery date of March 4, 2010. That is your Auntie Kimmie's birthday. I'm sure you won't arrive exactly on that day, but it doesn't matter. We are in good health, which is a blessing. More good news on top of learning you're real, is the nurse told me to stop running and start walking instead. I'm not upset about that, running is a struggle! Daddy and I will take good care of you, be sure you get what you need. You're in good hands, little one. We are so grateful to God for you. You will grow up in the Catholic faith and I want you to know God, to have a relationship with Him. Your life will be enriched with the love and care of a parish and of God. 

Monday, July 4, 2011

Beach weekend. 

We told your Nonna and Pops on Saturday that you we are pregnant with you. I told Nonna as we sat down for dinner. I had been itching to tell them since we arrived on Friday, but it just never felt like the right time. Saturday evening Nonna asked me if I felt okay,and I just looked at her and said "Michael and I are pregnant" she SCREAMED! Auntie Rosie, Cousin Shawn and Michelle were there, too. After Nonna screamed, she hugged me and everyone was standing in the kitchen asking "what's wrong?!" Nonna blurted out, "they're pregnant!" Then one by one they all hugged Daddy and me. It was the first time I cried since we found about you. So much excitement and happiness. Auntie Rosie cried and cried, which is her way, you'll learn that soon enough, and said that she just knew it. She explained that as she was driving up to the beach house she just felt it was time for us to have you. 

It was so much fun to share the news of you with family. I told you already that there are many people waiting to meet you and who already love you. Everyone is already talking about babysitting you, the things they will teach you (Cousin Shawn has a host of bad habits he's ready to share ;-)) and how Auntie Rosie is so glad to be retiring within a year so she can help watch you with Nonna. You're very lucky, Baby, you get to have a Nonna and an Auntie Rosie to care for you. 

Daddy continues to ask how you are doing and each day he kisses my belly. Cousin Michelle calls me little mama and touches my belly, too. It's fun to fuss over you, even though at this point you are only the size of a poppy seed. You are life, growing inside me, giving us a gift so great we thank God each day. 

Friday, July 8, 2011

We had another blood test today to see how the hCG levels were doing. We're up to 2023-a great number! It made Daddy and I feel more confident that things are going very well. It's amazing how a number can bring so much relief and happiness. I know that you're growing inside me because I have been so hungry! Tonight Daddy made verde burritos-one of our absolute favorites. I was proud of myself for eating one burrito, when I really wanted three. Self control has never been a strong point for me, something I hope not to pass down to you. Tomorrow you'll be with me at Dani's bachelorette party. My first wine tasting where I won't be drinking wine. You're going to owe me a lovely bottle wine to make up for it. ;-) 

 

Next Step

One of the phrases I never wanted to hear was said by our fertility nurse yesterday, "reproductive endocrinologist." The nurse said that according to statistics, if you're going to be successful with IUIs, it will be within the first four cycles. Seeing an RE is our next step.

In the blogs I read, it's the people going through really horrible fertility problems, pregnancy and child loss who mention their RE. I don't want one. It means something is really wrong. It makes me afraid that we'll have to go through more invasive testing and worst of all, they will find that there is something terribly wrong with me and will tell us that we won't be able to conceive or have a child of our own.

Our HMO has to refer us to a local RE, because they don't provide the service. They also don't pay for it.  I was reading through the clinic's website and they list the definition of infertility for different age groups. For women 35+ it's not getting pregnant after six months of unprotected intercourse. Even if you count the ectopic in July of last year, I am infertile. We have been trying for two full years now-that makes me infertile four times over.

And Another One

Yesterday my friend told me they are expecting. His text told me they were just past the first trimester and wanted to tell us before making the big announcement. Husband and I are happy for them, but as usual, it is very painful for us.
Husband was not surprised. He expected it, though it still made him feel bad. Those uncontrollable tears I have been experiencing over the last year started right away. Sitting at my desk at work, trying hard to hide them, dabbing with a tissue and sniffeling. I don't know how to not feel this way. Why can't I just feel joy  for the people I care about?
I write this while I'm at the pharmacy picking up this month's prescription of Clomid.

Wine and Doubts

It's Friday, had a negative pregnancy test this morning. I am so grateful that I had a weekend away planned. Husband is at home while I'm out in wine country with friends.

These friends are incredibly generous, kind and a blast to hang out with. There is no talk about babies, just blissful adult discussions about people we know, current events and history between us. We drink wine, eat delicious food and make fun of the east coast visitors who are so out of place here.

It's painful and hard to believe that with such a large egg this month on the left side that we didn't conceive. My feelings this week have been absolute rage. I want to lash out at my younger sister and call her names and make her feel like shit because she has a kid. I hate every pregnant woman I see in public and don't hold back giving dirty looks to parents with young children.

The best part about this month was we had no symptoms of pregnancy so we had no hope. It's sad to say that's a good thing. I'm the heaviest I've been, I'm bitter that I gave up a career which was leading to my dream job to move home and have kids, but we aren't pregnant and now I'm stuck in a stupid job with no growth. I feel completely alone amongst our family and friends. My worthless degree and the huge student loans from it keep me from having the freedom to travel and at least do what I want on a personal level. What is the point of it all?

Stranger Splits

Today I stopped off at the lab to have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels which will indicate if I ovulated or not. I was sitting in the line of chairs-picture those old study carrels in the library- waiting for the phlebotomist to make her way down to me, when a delivery driver arrived. My chair was stationed at the end of the line, near the actual lab and the spot where they collect samples and get them ready for distribution. The driver was standing in the doorway waiting for the lab tech to get the samples packaged. I was sitting sideways, staring at the magazine cutout of a local park which was affixed to the wall because I don't like to watch when they stick the needle in, and he commented, "Too scary to watch?" "No, I just prefer not to watch" I replied. "Oh, well how about a distraction?" and he started sliding into the splits. He went all the way down, staring in my eyes the entire time. I was amazed and utterly embarrassed. Then he stood up and said "Not bad for a 58 year old." I told him he didn't look nearly that old, which was true. Then he blabbered on about winning the lottery and that he would blow the money. By then my blood had been taken and a cotton ball was firmly taped to the point of entry. I stood up and thanked the driver for the distraction and walked out. It was very entertaining and completely surprising. Definitely the highlight of this day.

While we were waiting for Husband's sample to be processed before the IUI last Wednesday, we sat in the lobby reading. An old lady came into the lobby area asking a nurse if this was the OB/GYN suite, which she responded yes. The entire lobby was empty but the lady sat in a section of chairs right next to us. I just knew she was going to strike up a conversation, could feel it. Sure enough, she sneezed and Husband innocently said "bless you" and the lady pounced "Oh, thank you. This is some weather we are having."Then she asked "Are you two having a baby?" I knew she was going to ask-it's not an unusual question to ask in the fertility/OBGYN office, but it still made me mad. She claims she used to work there...well wouldn't you know not to ask people that question unless someone was obviously pregnant? And while I am no skinny minnie, I don't look pregnant at all. I responded with "Hopefully someday" and it surprised her. She clearly understood and apologized, stammering out "Oh, I didn't think...that's not what I meant to...I used to work here." And that was the end of that conversation. We sat in silence for a few more minutes and then the nurse called us back.